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NARRATOR
I’m going to tell you all about Gilgamesh. He was a great king,
gods loved him, he built this great city here, and he did all
kinds of great stuff. Man he was great. Well, I suppose I should
mention that he started out a really nasty guy.
GLIGAMESH
Bring me the virgins so that I may lay with them! Noble ladies
or otherwise, I want them all!
The PEOPLE cried out to the GODS.
PEOPLE
The king sucks!
ANU
Hey, Arunru, you started this, you fix it. Make someone to
be his equal.
ARUNRU
Got you covered.
And so the Goddess ARUNRU created ENKIDU.
ARUNRU
Ok, kiddo, go out there into the wild and be like the animals.
Gilgamesh is sure to hear about a wild man.
ENKIDU wanders around with the ANIMALS scaring the crap out of
a famous TRAPPER.
TRAPPER
So, Dad, I was out trapping game when I saw this man. He fills
in my pits and tears up my traps! I’m too scared to go near
him. Got any advice?
TRAPPER’S FATHER
No one’s stronger than Gilgamesh. Go find him. Oh, and get
a harlot.
TRAPPER
Whatever, Dad, you pervert.
The TRAPPER goes and finds GILGAMESH.
TRAPPER
There’s this wild man who fills in my traps. I bet he’s even
stronger than you!
GILGAMESH
Well, we can fix that. Here, take a harlot, Shamhat. Once
they get down and dirty, the wild beasts will run from him
too!
TRAPPER
Huh, guess Dad was right.
The TRAPPER and SHAMHAT journey for three days and then wait around
three days for ENKIDU to show up.
TRAPPER
There he is! I’ll leave you two to go at it. Have fun.
SHAMHAT
Men, they’re all the same. Anyway, come here big boy; let
me teach you about the world’s oldest profession.
ENKIDU and SHAMHAT get down and dirty for SIX DAYS and SEVEN NIGHTS.
SHAMHAT
Oh, I like a man who can go the distance. Stay around and
we can talk.
ENKIDU
Well, it was great, got to get back to running with the gazelles
and all.
ANIMALS
AHHH! You smell like human!
The ANIMALS no longer accept ENKIDU as one of their own and ENKIDU,
for some reason, can no longer run fast enough to keep up with
them.
ENKIDU
Ok then. Guess I’ll sit around and hear what you have to say.
SHAMHAT
That’s more like it. You should meet Gilgamesh, you’d like
him. Except for the part where he acts like an idiot and sleeps
with all the virgins.
ENKIDU
I’ll challenge him! I’m strongest!
SHAMHAT
Whatever, I think Gilgamesh is stronger. He’ll dream about
us coming you know.
Back in URUK GILGAMESH starts to have strange dreams. He gets
up and tells his Mother, NINSUN.
GILGAMESH
Hey, Mom. I dreamt that this big rock fell from the sky and
I couldn’t pick it up but couldn’t. I loved it like I would
love a woman.
NINSUN
That might be a little too much information. This rock that
you love is a friend that the gods have made for you.
GILGAMESH
So the gods want me to love men instead of women?
NINSUN
Something like that. You will love him as a woman and he will
never forsake you. That’s what your dream means. It’s a good
dream.
GILGAMESH
The gods want me to be gay?
NINSUN
That’s about the size of it, son.
GILGAMESH
Ok, so I had this other dream. I dreamt about an axe. I was
drawn to it and I loved it like a woman so I had it always
at my side.
NINSUN
More of the same, my boy. That axe is the comrade that I made
for you. He’ll be by your side always and never betray you.
GILGAMESH
Ok, if you say so, Mom. Do the Gods know that all this slash
will give me my own section on FanFiction.net?
NINSUN
Classic epic my boy, the fangirls will never touch it.
GILGAMESH
Oh, well that’s ok then. Can’t wait to meet him!
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